When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
You Might Also Like
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
No laws when master is gone
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year