My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
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Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
*seductively eats two tums*
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
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Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.