My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
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I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!