I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
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Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me