As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
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*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
The Punning Dead.
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?