My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
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Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
tinder is all about the long game
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.