Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
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Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
This checks out
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
Me as a therapist: omg same
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
*puts words between two asterisks*
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.