My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
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I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
We cut our bangs at dawn.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.