My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
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[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens