A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
You Might Also Like
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
wow
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
prepare for carbonated trouble
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.