Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
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Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
Day 2 of my diet
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.