Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
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I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
Meow
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.