COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
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I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
the prophecies have been fulfilled
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.