I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
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Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No