Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
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Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.