My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
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TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.