[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
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Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
those birds must be on payroll
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.