I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
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I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
I’d love this…lol
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks