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[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
I didn’t come here to be called names
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Eat…
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop