I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
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Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
When I said I liked it rough.
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
No, YOUR illiterate.
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”