When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
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It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
Don’t forget to tip your server
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
this independent good boy don’t need no human