My wife gives the best headache.
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haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
I think my mom just blocked me
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.