very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
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I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
Can’t. About to go please some beans
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.