Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
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“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.