Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
You Might Also Like
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
Candles never taste the way they smell
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.