Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
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“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
Who says great literature is dead?
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
May have had one breakfast too many
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.