Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
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Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.