I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
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“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.