Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
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i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
😜
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
how many bears make up a bear minimum
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.