“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
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me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
I’m sorry…what?
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.