I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
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Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw