A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
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I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
12653.
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it