Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
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I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go