Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
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Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
No selfies while hijacking a train.
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities