i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
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With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
My god she’s good.
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
I’m a bad influence on myself.