Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
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Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
How to woo a woman
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
*lint rolls you awake*
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
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Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.