Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
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Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti