[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
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My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
My boss just left which means I have finished all of my work for the day.
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
My neck, my back, my…
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.