Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
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I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..