Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
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Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
I need to get some bricks…
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
Parents: You better eat all of your food, there are children starving in China!
Me: Well, can’t we send them this?
Parents: Go to your room.
Hilariously true story. 🤷😆🤣🤦