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My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
Venn
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
Rooting for the overdog