Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
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hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
Adultry does not sound fun at all
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.