me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
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I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
same vibe as tangled headphones
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.