Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
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me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
Grandmother clock.
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.