I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
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me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.