[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
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The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.