me when the borders lift
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People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”