Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
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Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
dutch so unserious
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
Stop being racist to kettles.
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
Every work call, he judges.
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL