my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
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I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
lol
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad