I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
You Might Also Like
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is